slack

Today I am going to complain about the phrase "cut him some slack" in order to a) get a grievance out of my head so it doesn't trample all over another post I'm trying to write, and b) stop myself getting involved in an online argument I would surely regret getting involved in. You're welcome.

(Note: "he" in the following list refers to whatever guy I was dealing with at the time rather than this whole post being about one very weird man. Just for clarity's sake.)

Times when I have been asked to "cut a guy some slack" because he is a guy and doesn't know any better/that's just the way they are/was trying to be nice and that's what counts:

When he shouted at me to "smile" from across the street

When he made a nasty joke that upset me

When he ignored everything I was saying only to readily accept the exact same points when made in the exact same way by a man

When he DANCED HIS CROTCH INTO ME FOR FIVE STRAIGHT MINUTES ARGHHH

When he objected to me talking to a male colleague whilst at work

When he, as the head of the company I worked for, congratulated me on my weight loss and warned me not to get fat again

When he phoned for advice and asked to be put through to a man

When he told me it was completely reasonable to refuse to hire any woman of childbearing age

When he ran up to me on the street, smacked me on the ass hard enough to bruise, then ran away again

When he sent me sixty text messages in two days

When he complained that women as a gender had really gone downhill in the last twenty years

When he locked me in the car and screamed at me for an hour

When he explained to me that I didn't actually want the things I thought I wanted and in fact wanted these other things instead

When he tried to carry my shopping for me, which consisted of one birthday card in an A5 size carrier bag, and got very upset when I told him I could probably handle the weight myself

When he told me that women were all whores but that I was special

When he tried to follow me home

When he continued to call me by a nickname I hate after I specifically and repeatedly asked him not to

When he laughed for twenty minutes about how indecisive women are whilst trying to sell me a mobile phone

When he made creepy-ass remarks in my ear every time he danced with me

When he tried to teach me to do something I had a qualification in

When he refused to let me make the three-minute walk from the pub to my house by myself EVER IN FOUR YEARS

I have many more, but I'm going to end it there for everyone's sake.

I am nearly thirty years old, and I have had enough of being told that I should assume the best of intentions on the part of any man who annoys me or makes me uncomfortable. I've had enough of being told that I've misinterpreted a thing that happened to me by people who weren't even fucking there, or that I may not have misinterpreted it but that my feelings about it are still wrong. I've had enough of people prioritising the intentions of a man they often don't know at all above the judgement of a woman they do know. It's insulting, and it's especially insulting to have this framed as the position of reason and logic.

Also, look at that list. "Cut him some slack" has become completely fucking meaningless. People say it to me when I'm mildly annoyed in the exact same way as they say it when I'm genuinely scared or hurt. They say "cut him some slack" when I'm griping about a mild sexist stereotype and they say "cut him some slack" when I've sustained actual physical injury from the man in question. So now the phrase means nothing, and it annoys me that much more when applied to the gripe because I remember it being applied to the bruises.

So I say to you, no. I will not cut that man some slack. I made a judgement call. I had this experience and I decided that this man did a shitty thing, or that I don't want to date this man, or that I'm taking my business to a different company. I get to be annoyed or uncomfortable if that's how I'm feeling, and you don't get to tell me my feelings are wrong. I am allowed to not like any given man for whatever frivolous reason (and in turn, people are free to not like me if that's what my frivolous reason inspires in them). I am a grown-ass woman and I am pig sick of having my opinions and boundaries and judgement ignored or disrespected just in case I hurt some poor man's feelings slightly. That man might mean well, in some cases. I fully accept that. But his meaning well does not compel me to accept or enjoy his behaviour, to date him or dance with him or otherwise spend time with him, to knowingly put myself in a situation I know I'm going to hate. Why should I? He wouldn't. It's more important for me to trust myself than to be nice to you, and no, I'm not sorry about it. I'm going to stop twisting myself into knots trying to work out how to not offend anyone and cut myself some slack for a goddamn change.