sick

I don't feel well. I don't know if it's the kind of not well that comes from stress, or from unkind office lighting, or from having a bug of some description, but everything in my head feels uneasy and strained, and my concentration is shot. I space out or feel woozy or get a wave of nausea and then it goes away, but every time I worry that's it, that's the one that means I'm really truly sick and won't be able to do any of the things I'm meant to be doing this weekend.

The roof of my mouth aches. I don't know what this means. I wish I understood my own body more, what causes an ache here or a pain there and the sort of things that can be done about. It's on my list of things to learn, but it's the kind of knowledge that scares me - as soon as I learn a little bit I'll start to see how much I don't know about myself, how much can go wrong, how many things I've been doing to hurt myself without knowing it. I know that if I choose to get deeper into it, I'll find answers to things I didn't even know there were questions for and things would make a lot more sense, but the fear is there nevertheless.

I doubt myself when I'm sick. I question whether I'm really sick, or whether my brain is just trying to convince me I'm sick because it doesn't want to do something. Being sick is something my depressed brain does when it's pretending to be my rational brain - I can't go out because I'm depressed, but it tells me I can't go out because I'm sick. Feel that twinge when you stepped. You're going to faint, you're going to be sick, you'd better get back in bed before something awful happens. I'm not particularly depressed at the moment, but my anxiety brain is alive and well and trying to make me afraid of the depression monster.

You need to do EVERYTHING. ALL the things. Right now.

Maybe I don't. Maybe I just need to let myself be sick.