(I saw Spice World in the cinema when I was twelve, and never again in nineteen years until last night, when I was looking for a suitably stupid way to see out my 31st birthday. It is a terrible, terrible film, but up until it started trying to have a plot at the end, I quite enjoyed myself.)
The Spice Girls appear to be having trouble lip syncing. Surely that's one thing they should have learned to do by now?
Is Jools Holland meant to be Jools Holland here or is he actually trying to act? I genuinely can't tell. Jools Holland always seems like someone who's playing Jools Holland unconvincingly.
Oh, they're playing chess now, are they. Explain chess to me, Geri, go on.
So. Many. Spiral. Wipes. Whose idea was this?
A fake sock penis! I did not remember there being a fake sock penis in this film!
Richard O'Brien played the baddie in this (well, a baddie in this)? Jesus.
...is this a Gary Glitter cover?? Oh, apparently it's a huge set-piece Gary Glitter cover. I thought we didn't do that? With Gary Glitter being such a fucking awful human being and all? Had we not realised that in 1997?
Aaaand now there's a spaceship. And aliens. Who want autographs. And all the Spice Girls speak alien now.
Oh dear, Michael Barrymore is in this. This is uncomfortable.
Richard O'Brien has emerged from inside a toilet and then turned to photograph said toilet for some reason. I bet Richard O'Brien thought this was great fun.
The Baby Spice thing actually is a bit creepy, in retrospect.
Seriously, what am I meant to think about Alan Cumming here? What is his purpose? Is he a bad guy or comic relief? I am so confused.
Meat Loaf is a bus driver, Elvis Costello is a deeply unconvincing bartender, Peter Sissons is Peter Sissons, and Geri is Bob Hoskins. Got it.
The entire film is soundtracked by the Spice Girls, except at this one point where it's My Boy Lollipop by Millie Small. But they're lipsyncing to it anyway, and not doing any better than they have with their own songs.
These are seriously the shittest news stories they could possibly have come up with. "Boat drama", really? When you could have gone with "Spice Girls attempt to drown fans"?
God, Geri is TERRIBLE at this.
God, Emma is TERRIBLE at this.
Is there meant to be some kind of Emma/Mel C subtext here, or am I just spending too much time on The Toast?
Ah, a flashback to the Spice Girls and their friend I keep forgetting about in their local working-class caff in their pre-fame days. This is possibly the least believable thing yet. Oh God, and they're going to do an entire song here, lip syncing to the purposely shitty boom box.
Oh God, that was meant to be an emotional moment and I completely didn't realise.
MORE FUCKING SPIRAL WIPES.
OK, Stephen Fry has turned up and made me laugh on purpose. Well done, Stephen Fry.
They're taking their way-past-her-due-date friend to a rave? And now they've left her on her own to go and dance? To their own song?? What shitty friends.
Now all the Spice Girls are in the delivery room? WHY are they all in the delivery room?? Why is Geri directly between her friend's legs? Why did she get to hold the baby before its mother?
What, so now the whole photographer thing was a story being told by the movie people? And they've wrapped up the whole evil-newspaper-guy plot with a nonspecific headline? I thought he was pitching a film, but apparently he was narrating actual events? The fuck?
Oh, I remember the model bus thing! And them trying to scream convincingly at a bomb!
EWWWWW I am upgrading the Baby Spice thing from "a bit creepy" to "really fucking creepy". I didn't notice this at all when I was twelve.
Seriously, what am I supposed to think about Alan Cumming?? Why is he even here?
The Spice Girls are performing at the Royal Albert Hall and it is the worst lip syncing yet. Either that or worst editing yet. Plus I really don't like Spice Up Your Life.
That was the end of the film? Really? Huh.
Oh yay, fake outtakes. And then they pretended to be able to see the audience! And then the bus exploded. Good times.
No comments:
Post a Comment