goals

I used to have what most people would refer to as a bucket list. I didn't call it that, just in case the continued reminder of my own mortality rendered me incapable of actually accomplishing anything (I understand and accept that this is probably not normal). I called it “Things To Do” and it was a strange mish-mash of lofty goals, places I wanted to see, vague self-improvement koans, a hundred things starting with the word “learn” and twice as many stupid little nothings that would make no discernible difference to my life but I thought might be funny.

3. Become fluent in another language.

53. Go to Machu Picchu.

84. Learn to dance.

134. Be in a really shit low-budget musical.

151. Relax.

190. Go to an outdoor fair, eat too much candy floss, and win some kind of plastic duck or something.

I started the list when I was depressed and looking to not be depressed anymore. I couldn't think of any goals I had or anything I wanted to do, so I started reading other people's lists and stealing things I liked the sound of. Mostly what other people wanted to do was: visit a lot of different countries; have some kind of family; meet various famous people; do very mundane things “in the rain” or “under the stars” (this last one is my fault for trying to find inspiration on LiveJournal). When I'd got enough of a spark back to start thinking of things on my own, I decided I wanted this list to be as specific to me as possible and not just a stream of things that sounded nice.

24. Meet a really crap celebrity, like Neil Buchanan or one of the original Gladiators.

32. Meet someone hugely famous and legendary and be less impressed by them than I was by Neil Buchanan/Gladiator.

(I did meet Neil Buchanan. He was playing in a heavy metal band. I was very excited about it.)

My list didn't include a lot of the more popular goals I'd seen.

Save a life

Get married

“Save a life” is a horrible goal. “Become a doctor” or “become an aid worker”, sure. But generically wishing someone into mortal danger just so you can feel you're a big hero type seems a little gross to me. And “get married” isn't the goal, not really. The goal is “find someone I want to get married to”, and that's not really within my control. I didn't want to put it on a list and then sit around hopelessly watching it not happen.

(I often think that maybe I won't find someone I really want to marry. The thought occasionally makes me a little sad, but fundamentally I'm OK with true love being a thing that doesn't happen, if that's the way things happen to play out. I am happy and busy and not prepared to clear any space to accommodate mediocrity.)

I used my list as an active motivation tool for years. I set myself a goal to cross off an average of one per month. It didn't matter if the goals I accomplished were serious or stupid, just as long as I was identifying things I wanted to do and making them happen.

64. See Skunk Anansie live.

101. Take a trip on a gondola in Venice.

129. Learn a selection of classical arias.

141. [from my call centre days] Get a lyric from “Once More, With Feeling” into one of my calls.

171. Go back to college and get another qualification.

Over the last year or so, my list has fallen into disuse. I haven't crossed anything off and I haven't really accomplished any of my old goals without realising it, either. This isn't to say I'm doing less; quite the opposite. My life just isn't set up to work this way anymore. What happens now is more along the lines of:

[thing comes up in passing]

Me: We should do that.

Whichever of my ridiculous friends I happen to be speaking to: OMG YES.

And then we go to Italy or dance in the street or go and see Frozen in full costume or drink gin and tonic out of a freezer bag with a pink grapefruit goldfish in it or bring cheese to the pub or enter competitions or spend the entire night in the cinema or force people to have house parties or drink far too much wine three nights on the trot or play dance bingo or just laugh hysterically and collapse in a big pile on the sofa or the floor or wherever can accommodate us.

I still want to do some of things on my old list. I still want to finish the novel and live abroad for a while and buy a cinema and go to Mardi Gras and be in that really shit musical. I just don't have time to aim for them, because so many other things are happening right now and I don't want to miss a single one of them.