sleepless

I have had five hours' sleep since Wednesday, and I'm about to go out to a party.

I don't have the talent for falling asleep that some people have. I don't sleep on public transport, or in waiting rooms, and I don't take naps in the middle of the day. I've spent a lot of nights lying awake alternately trying to will myself out of consciousness and trying to distract myself from my attempts so that sleep might be able to catch me out in a sneak attack. I'm rarely tired enough to sleep anywhere except in my bed, and when it does happen it unnerves me.

Time skips five minutes, ten minutes, thirty seconds, an hour, and it all feels the same. Every time I open my eyes I see something unfamiliar and I panic, briefly, trying to remember where I am and what I'm doing there, assuring myself that I'm done now, no more sleep required, I can stay awake in this place. And then I forget it instantly because things make more sense with my eyes closed.