saturday

(I couldn't think of a title. Writing is hard.)

It's been an odd week. In some ways it's been noticeably much better; it didn't look a lot different but it felt different, and I'm extremely embarrassed to admit that this is largely due to The Rock waking me up in the morning. My day is now starting when it's meant to instead of at 2.30pm or whenever I can scrabble together enough motivation to do something. It's genuinely quite hard to admit that this random ex-wrestler singing at me in the morning is enough to completely change my entire attitude and perspective on the upcoming day, but there it is. Depression responds to the weirdest things.

I went dancing twice in the space of a few days, which hasn't happened for a very long time. The first time I danced, chatted to people I hadn't spoken to in ages and generally felt a bit more like I knew where I was and what I was doing. The second time, although there were still people I was happy to see and talk to, I didn't really dance and I felt like this wasn't my world and these weren't my people anymore. I don't know where the truth is; I'm going to dance again tomorrow and see if that gives me any more information. I miss people, but do I miss these people? I mean, I definitely miss some of those specific people, but the community as a whole is a different aardvark altogether, and that's what I'm questioning. I need things that will help me get better and I just don't know if this is one of them. But if it's not, then I have to go find other people, and that's a whole different type of scary.

I can't overlook the fact that I'm still really quite angry, both in specific and general terms. People who should have been there for me weren't, people who could have done something didn't, and it makes the whole ethos of the thing feel a bit hollow. I might get over this, when I'm happier, but for now it's hard not to feel resentful in dance spaces. I feel like I ought to be thanking my friends for an improvement in my outlook and circumstances and here I am thanking The Rock instead. That's not right. There is a good chance that at least some of this is more my issue than theirs, but it doesn't help me to focus on that. The anger is still good for me, at least for now.