structure

It's always harder keeping up to date with a blog that doesn't have a defined subject. I've been writing two to three posts a week on sewing for six months without fail, but here where I can write anything? There's too much room to second guess in that. I am going to try, though. I'm going to try writing here twice a week, because that's often enough that posts don't take on unnecessary significance but not overwhelming like trying to write every day would be. Also I've got used to the twice a week rhythm now.

To update from last time: I didn't take a permanent job. I kept it up for two months, but going from eight months off sick (and five years where nobody gave a shit when you turned up for work before that) to a forty-hour 9-6 week whilst still fairly seriously depressed was too much and I had to stop working for a bit. Also after the first couple of weeks they stopped being able to find me enough to do and the last three hours of every day went so slowly that I swear I could actually feel the continental drift.

I still have no idea what I want to do, and the fact that nothing is secure at the moment isn't doing my anxiety a whole lot of good. I have less than no money, I don't really know who my friends are or where my community is, there is a new person in our house, and come August that house won't even be mine anymore. Much as it'll be a change for the better it terrifies me - after all the shit that came before we found this place, the idea of giving up a decent living arrangement voluntarily seems completely insane to me. I find myself haunted by the unknown landlords in my future and suddenly telling the wine-diluting story at the least provocation again.

Trying to give my life some sort of structure, which I know it needs, is proving difficult when I don't really have anything going on. My blog has structure, my life does not. I have a bunch of to-do lists, a pile of sewing projects and some slightly unrealistic plans for getting rid of 40% of my stuff by August, but that's not really enough. My next thing to try is using The Rock Clock to actually get up in the morning, because I'm quite unlikely to sleepily unset my alarm and roll over if I know it means missing out on The Rock singing Good Morning Sunshine and telling me to get my candy ass out of bed. But even that, Best Thing Ever though it might be and I will not hear otherwise, isn't really enough.

What I really need is to be seeing people, talking to people, feeling like my social feet are on something a bit more concrete, but that's the toughest thing to do right now. The idea of spending time with people is exhausting, much more so than the actual spending time with people, and I've been so absent from everything lately that it would be up to me to get in touch with people I used to see and get interaction going again. And it feels like too much, because I feel forgotten. With most people I feel that popping back up and demanding to be remembered is too presumptuous. With a couple of people I feel that the demand to be remembered should come in the form of a solid punch on the nose, and that's not helpful right now. Soon, maybe.

There is probably a way around this. I'm looking out for it.