The other day I sat down at my computer and Googled, "How to have fewer thoughts."
Google: Umm. I can do, "How to have fewer negative thoughts", if you want?
Me: I appreciate the sentiment, but that's not really what I want.
Google: Sure it is. That's what everyone wants.
Me: Fewer negative thoughts would be great, but what I want is to think less in general.
Google: I don't get it.
Me: There's too much stuff in my brain and I want to get some of it out. I don't want to turn negative thoughts in positive thoughts, I want to turn thoughts into lack of thoughts.
Google: If you don't want inspirational blogs on the power of positive thinking and some pictures of trees at sunset, I can't help you.
Me: Well, thanks anyway.
Google: I AM WATCHING YOU.
There have certainly been times in my life when "fewer negative thoughts" would have been the best thing for my quality of life, but right now that's not exactly my problem. My critical voice likes to morph and change with me, to make sure it's always at optimum levels of unhelpfulness. When I'm depressed, it sighs and tells me there's just no point, no point to going out or standing up or opening the curtains or operating on a normal human sleep schedule because it's not like I'd accomplish anything by doing so, is it? When I'm anxious, it lists all the things that could go wrong because I don't do things properly or understand human beings, or just because I have rotten luck and so why wouldn't my entire family die in a car accident on their way down to see me? When I'm happy, it doesn't have much to say so it just spins round and round really fast like an excitable kid to make me feel a bit dizzy if I stop doing things. Right now, when I am anxious but in the throes of getting a grip, it wants to fix everything. EVERYTHING.
Hey there, money issues? Let's make a complicated spreadsheet! Concerned about weight? Let's make a diet plan! Not feeling great about living arrangements? Detailed rental accommodation home improvements! Feeling sluggish? Sign up for every single exercise class you can find! Hate your job? Get a new one! Bored? Learn everything! Confused? Sit down and try and untangle that boxful of matted chain necklaces you call a mind while I throw new ones into the mix every 40 seconds because necklaces are shiny and fun!
Most of this stuff, in an of itself, is constructive and useful and a good idea. I don't think any of the things I've done or tried to do in the name of fixing myself are bad ideas. Sorting out my snacking at work and researching job opportunities and making a budget plan and signing up for kickboxing and acrobatics classes and seeking therapy and seeing an osteopath and making a commitment to write daily and trying to work through my mental blocks are all, individually, good and positive steps.
The problem is that I'm trying to do it all at once, and it's exhausting. My critical voice says that all of these things are just a tiny change and it's just one hour out of my week, just one more thing to remember, come on, what are you complaining about? But it's just a tiny change over and over again, forty or fifty times a day, and every thought I have spawns three or four more thoughts about what I can do to fix that thought I just had. So I'm doing an exhausting amount of stuff, but because it's just a tiny change I can't actually see any difference in any of the problems I'm having. I haven't sorted my finances or lost any weight or made my bedroom pretty or felt any healthier or got a new job or untangled my mind.
What I have done is mostly cleared my overdraft and got a tiny savings account and stopped hoarding snacks in my desk drawer and done a thorough clear-out of my bedroom and sorted out my back and shoulders and made cushions and learned to alter my clothes and started proper exercising multiple times a week and been abroad a bunch of times and seen shows and eaten bastard expensive dinners and laughed with my friends until I cried, but none of that seems to count because it hasn't solved the problems I went in to solve (magically have a bunch of disposable income every month! Be three stone lighter! Acquire an interesting and flexible and well-paid job! BE EXCELLENT AT EVERYTHING!), and also because it hasn't created any space in my mind. Everything is trying to get through the door at once, much like that thing on The Simpsons where Mr Burns has every disease ever.
"So, what you're saying is, I'm indestructible?"
"Oh my, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could..."
"Indestructible."
Except that it's the opposite of that, because I want the things to be able to get through the door, and the fact that everything's squished itself in there at once means I'm not really able to progress with anything. Critical voice response to this is:
OK, good. Spotted a problem. How do we fix this? By picking one thing and REALLY trying to make that happen. While just making one tiny change to everything else. I mean, it's ALL important and you can't just LEAVE it to focus on this one thing, can you?
And this is why I need fewer thoughts.
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